Here are some tips for you:
Always save your nose picking for when you're behind the wheel.
Drive closely behind speeding ambulances and fire trucks so you get ahead of everyone who pulls over to let them pass.
If you see a vehicle getting in your lane directly behind you, hit your brake pedal. The closer the vehicle, the harder you should press.
Keep your brake light blinking by keeping one foot on the brake pedal at all times.
Make sure you have at least one of the following bumper stickers:
"I may be slow but I'm ahead of you"
"If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk"
"If you can read this, you're too close"
"I'd rather be skiing"
"I brake for no apparent reason"
When driving in a lane that is going to end because of construction, ignore all the "LANE CLOSED - MERGE AHEAD" signs. Then wait until the last second and cut off the other drivers that had the common sense to switch lanes earlier.
When driving in heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic, always drive with at least 10 car lengths in front of you.
If you are on vacation and you see any sort of wildlife, stop in your lane to take a lot of pictures.
If you need to stop to ask for directions, wait until there is a car behind you and stop in your lane to block traffic. Try to ask directions from either a 90 year old local, a deaf person, an illegal alien, or a child.
While listening to your favorite song, let other drivers on the road know that your listing to your favorite song. The best way to do this is, is to steer the car with your knee, pretend to be holding a pair of drum sticks, and start beating away at the steering wheel and rear-view mirror. While the whole time bobbing your head all over the place.
Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.
When having another vehicle follow you to where ever you are going, and a third car merges between you, drive 5 miles an hour just to make sure that your followers (who are 2 cars behind) can see you.
On multi-laned roads, always drive at the same speed as the vehicle next to you. Try to "box" in drivers behind you, who are attempting to pass.
When approaching a curve in the road, slow down as if the road is ENDING.
If you are driving fast, stick one arm out the window, twist your hand back and forth, and pretend to be an airplane as the wind lifts your arm.
If another driver is courteous enough to let you in front of him/her, show your appreciation by letting the entire world in front of you, including tractor trailers and construction vehicles.
If for some reason you had to pull over on the shoulder, wait until a car is approaching to pull back onto the road.
